I stopped being an honest person within one week of starting my life as a corporate lineman. Long ago I had a MySpace page with a blog that I wrote in pretty regularly. I kept a journal. I didn’t do things I thought were foolish just because other people did them, like watch sports and drink alcohol. I had opinions about many things, and was interested to hear others thoughts. My first week on the job, someone found my MySpace page and point blank told me I should not be writing anything there. So I didn’t. Later on, my girlfriend read my journal and we had a bunch of big fights about it. So I stopped doing that too. We broke up, but the habit I started when I was 12 never returned.
My interests never changed, but my behavior did, so if you asked someone who knew me what I was interested in, they probably couldn’t tell you anything. I take an unusual interest in other people’s interests. My boss likes football, so I browse the game notes and scores so we can talk about it. I find football completely boring and a waste of time, but to him I am a fan of an opposing team. I don’t drink alcohol ever, but at company events the big man up top jests at my iced tea, so I carry around a glass of fine red wine occasionally, sipping it from time to time without joy but a smile upon my face that even my wife can’t always tell is forced.
Over time, the lack of honesty in my exterior has leaked inside of me, polluting once clear waters. I have such a lack of personality now I don’t have anything interesting to say to anyone. My friends have drifted off into their own paths and I have not replaced them. To escape, I have floundered like a drowning man, trying one thing after another. A series of escape attempts each ending with little to show for it but a notch on my belt of failures. I can talk business and startups and technology and marketing and management all day long. I am better at those things than most people, though every company I start turns to dust in my mouth. But they don’t matter to me anymore and they haven’t brought me anything worth having. I thought they mattered once, but they don’t. What matters to me more now than ever is authenticity and freedom, two things I have been lacking for many years. I want my life to align in all its spheres. Today it is a fractured picture made up of many small decisions and life currents I never swam against, or perhaps only swam without direction.
This blog is no different. Until today, it was largely a collection of highly moderated pieces loosely relating to startups, technology, or my life, with the only exception being the Mundane Existence.
I am making a change, and I no longer care if anyone likes it. From now on, I will be honest here if nowhere else. I won’t commit to writing more frequently. I have proved over the past 2 odd years of hosting this that even when I try I have trouble writing regularly, though maybe honesty will alter that. No one really reads this blog – my name is mostly anonymous, and my family only tunes in when I encourage them to. Feedburner shows 133 subscribers, and I get about 1500 visits a month, though 85% go to read about Drupal Performance or startup launches.
I am done self-promoting for awhile.
Feeling an existential crisis coming on? Do be careful. While you’re spring-cleaning your soul, don’t throw away too much that you’ll miss later on. Can’t tell what that will be? Then be very careful.
Thanks for the warning Rick. It’s always risky to make changes, I think, and you bring up a good point about being careful what you wish for. Many times I have made a decision to change wondering if I am making a good choice, or if I will come to regret the alienation it will cause some aspects of my life.
So far, I have never regretted changing in the direction of honesty and authenticity, but I have regrets about the times I have compromised for others who did not have my best interests at heart.